A Week at Aperture Science
by El Fisto
Summary: "Cave Johnson here! I have been informed by some pencil pushers that I need to do a documentary on a new creature we have made called Inklings. Usually I wouldn't bother doing this and would've just fired them by now, but I have a week to spare until the moon rocks I ordered get here."


**A Week at Aperture Science**

 **-Day 1-**

"Cave Johnson here, and welcome to the first ever Inkling documentary. And the last, if our Q&A department has anything to say about it. Today we will be going over the elusive species known as Inklings. The reason they are elusive is because we just created them from some hobos and a barrel of toxic waste. Do not worry, they signed the waver."

"Since we have never seen or even heard about these things before, we will be making this documentary up on the fly. Let us all hope they don't turn out to be anything like the Mantis Men. We just got finished incinerating those bodies."

"Some pencil pushers has just informed me I need to describe what they look like and what they can do. No idea why I need to do that, when you can easily see it on the video."

"The Inklings all look the same, with the main characteristics being tentacle color and apparel. I have no idea what it is with hats that make people go crazy, but between those australians and those demolitions companies in New Mexico, I feel like I should get in on the hat business. I wonder how much a shower cap would sell for..."

 **-Day 2-**

"Cave Johnson here, and I am proud to announce our new lineup of shower curtain themed hats. Sadly this is a documentary on Inklings and not on shower curtains. Some of the brainiacs down below have come out of their caverns of comic books and broken gameboys to inform me of the Inkling's abilities."

"Apparently some idiot decided it would be a good idea to give the Inklings paint rollers. Don't ask me who decided it would be a good idea to give them paint rollers, it sure as hell wasn't me. I would've fired them by now if Caroline wasn't so amused by the Inklings."

"Apparently the Inklings decided to take the paint rollers and have a turf war in the room we locked them in. The brainiacs and pencil pushers have both taken to inform me that I am not allowed to tell them I own the 'turf' they are battling on."

"It is very strange, when they were first made from the spare hobos and toxic waste they were white, but they are now Blue and Orange. I have sent a couple scientist in to collect the paint they keep leaving behind with the paint rollers. I do not know where they are getting all the paint from, and I don't care enough to find out."

 **-Day 3-**

"The scientist have just got back from the room with buckets of the paint. Not like they really needed the buckets, seeing as they were practically coated in the stuff."

"I am glad to say we may have made a scientific discovery today! The orange paint seems to make people who walk on it move six times the speed they usually move. Do not worry, I have already bought a cheetah to test out on the orange paint. I hear there is a betting pool on whether or not the cheetah will create a hole in the wall."

"The blue paint on the other hand makes anything that jumps on it bounce at least ten times the height they would usually bounce. This is just a rough estimate, we tried measuring it, but the interns couldn't stay still long enough to put the measuring tape down on the ground."

"I have just been informed that the paint more closely resembles goo. I like this news a great deal. Ever try to sell mobility paint to a big wig CEO? The answer is no, and it's because the name sound stupid. Mobility gel on the other hand is a name I can work with."

"Now if only I could find a name for the blue paint..."

 **-Day 4-**

"Cave Johnson here, Cave Johnson here. I was informed I forgot to give my patented CaveJohnsonTM opening on the last recording for this documentary, so I decided to give a CaveJohnsonCaveJohnsonTM opening. Don't bother thinking about using that one either, I've patented that one as well."

"Listen, I'm not going to lie and say everything is dandy down here at the labs. Apparently the Inklings can turn into tiny squid and swim in the paint, rendering them completely invisible and weightless. Apparently one of the scientist carried one out on his lab coat. Sadly the Inklings are more intelligent than we gave them credit for, so long story short they have broken out of the room and are invading the rest of Aperture."

"The good news is they cannot harm us with their paint weapons. The bad news is they are multiplying and they have stolen all the hats. For some reason they left the show curtain hats alone."

"Thankfully we are managing to get the situation under control, as long as nothing unexpected happens I am positive we can escape this situation unscathed."

 **-Day 5-**

"What in the blazes made those stupid squids think it was a good idea to let the damn cheetah out?"

 **-Day 6-**

"Cave Johnson here, we have great news for once! The cheetah is dead. That is not the good news if you were wondering, that is bad news. Very bad news."

"The good news is we have gotten the Inklings back under control, and we are preparing to move them to our new Japanese testing facility before the day is out. The great news is that the gel that the Inklings use for attacking is highly poisonous to Mantis Men! We have finally managed to get rid of the last of those mantis men running amok in the lower levels of the facility."

"Sadly the cheetah had to be put down. It was eating too many hobos."

"You will be missed, cheetah #37."

 **-Day 7-**

"Cave Johnson here, and you will be happy to hear that the Inklings are settling down into the new facility they were moved into. There are more types of Inklings now, apparently the light blue color of the original Inklings has gone extinct and has been replaced by their darker blue cousins."

"Thankfully the orange ones still appear to be thriving, which is nice. The speed boost the Inklings gel used to have has been replaced by making other Inklings move slower in it. No idea why this has happened, and I don't care. If I did care a scientist would be working on the reason by now."

"So I have been informed the Inklings have some sort of stable democracy now, where they will battle for three minutes and then have a giant cat decide the winner. The scientist have tried catching the cat, but it still appears elusive."

"I could talk more about the Inklings, but I have better things to do, like tinker around with some moon rocks we just got brought back from space. The scientist have told me to wear gloves while handing the moon rocks, but I don't need gloves to handle some rocks."

"It isn't like anything is going to happen to me."

" **CUT!"**

 **AN:** _This one-shot was written after seeing a comment chain started by Jordan3D on a official Nintendo video about Splatoon. The comment that made me decide to write this was by Curtis Patrick._


End file.
